Day 3820
Today one of the unnamed women died. Well, she probably had a name, but it seems she never shared it with anyone, nor any other thing. W. says that she never had spoken or even moved, only appeared there seven years before and... existed, if the mere "being there" can be called existence. Guess that technically it can.I do not really understand it. The moment when the rope is cut. One moment you exist, and the next one you just do not. The heart stops pumping blood, you do not breath, yes, that is clear but... is that all there is to a life? Is all that there is to its end? Existence entails more than blood running and nervous impulses. Where does all the rest go?
I hate corpses. Empty carcasses; despite C's words I cannot get rid of the feeling that there is something lingering around, reluctant to cut the threads, lurking...
Day 3821
Rinalda woke up again today, for a longer period this time. We had an interesting conversation, it left me a bittersweet taste, though. Motivations... It appears that what keeps her so sleepy, so numb, is a lack of motivation. Also, it seems that she and her partner, Lily, never manage to be awake at the same time. That must be really disheartening and I cannot do a thing about it, but I should be able to help her find...something. I do not know, it is so sad! The way she thanked me for our little talk moved me.I never thought about motivations before, I just... live the moment. Maybe the "problem" starts when you are conscious that you need a motivation. Paradoxically, she seemed too demotivated to try to find any motivation, so I will try to help her... if she allows me.
Day 3826
I have spent the last five days in a magic realm of bliss, enclosed in the Dragon's embrace. In the highest crenel of the highest tower, feeling the vertigo each time he held me over the edge in his powerful grip. Screaming his name each time he released me and let me plummet to rescue me in a nick of time, making me feel all his strenght.I should feel so guilty... I did not even care if the world outside was coming down while we were coming over and over and over. His body was the only boundary of my universe. He killed me and brought me back to life so many times that I lost count.
He stokes that fire till I am surrounded by nothing but the crackling, I hear nothing but his voice, I see nothing but the blurred edges of those crumbling walls, his smirk, that smirk that drives me wild...
It is scaring how things are rushing, it is been less than two years, but I feel him so very inside of me. I... I love him. I should slow down, but I just cannot do it; trying to make him smile, oh nothing makes me happier than making him smile.
Eventually we surrendered to our duties. I served him breakfast in bed and rushed out, to fight the feeling of starting all over again. Now I am sitting in the palid sun that kisses my cheeks with a tempid caress; it is not that I feel like the most fortunate person in the world, I know I am. There is not a single muscle in my body that is not sore, there is not a single square inch of my skin that does not smell like him. And I am heart-meltingly ecstatic and filled with bliss. And probably not able to sit properly for a couple of days.
I love him.
Day 3827
Visits! I adore having visits... although they only stayed for a day and a night. I will start to consider seriously the "kindly kidnapping". Gosh, I remember perfectly Crow's face the first time I talked about it, and his dubious tone when he asked me if I was talking seriously, it was so funny!Decklan and Trista, are their names. He seemed pretty nice and fun, apparently he is an old Wesley's friend, if old friend can be applied to someone who looks so young, I bet he was even under his forties. She was more quiet, with us at least, but looked very nice too, maybe a bit sad.
Day 3828
Today a badly-injured naked man arrived to Aragon from... oh, from where was it? Well, from somewhere with wild fauna anyway. After Wesley dressed him and gave him some booze to numb the pain, the poor thing fell in a heap on the cot.Gladly he was clothed by that time, since he seemed to be a teetotaller too, or at least his body decided he should be one and pushed out all the booze... over him, over the cot, over the leather pile... I must admit that it would have been pretty uncomfortable taking care of him ten minutes before, I did not wanted to have to rub in his wounds, besides. Once clean and fresh, he fell asleep like a little cub. Hopefully he will wake up after some rest and can start working seriously in those hurts.
There must be so disconcerting and scary finding yourself alone, naked and attacked by a wild beast in the middle of nowhere!
Day 3830
I never thought that locksmithing could be such an enthralling science... Gosh, he drives me wild just with that smirk.Day 3832
We had a new arrival today: Randal. He seems pretty quiet, but I hope we will be able to make him feel at ease. It gets so hard sometimes... I just do not know what else we can do to keep them awake and happy.Day 3835
Another death, one of those silent sleepers. Crow was somehow worried, he said he is starting to get used to death and he doubted that could be good. For one, I think it is mere survival, I... I wish I could get used to... that too. Paul was his usual pragmatic self and put the practical note on it. I wish I had even half their mental strenght, they are not much older than me but they seem to always know how to react in those situations.I do not like admitting it but I almost collapsed for a moment; the only thing that kept me from having a breakdown is knowing that Wes would worry, and I would never forgive myself. So... I have discovered that I can swallow the nerves, make a ball with them and use that tension to be a bit creative and write something that makes him cast a smile.
Tis better to give than receive? Nay; tis better to share and experience both simultaneously.
Day 3839
And another young boy: Bill. The poor thing seems so shy! Things have been lovely busy lately, no big deals, but... I like when it is like that. They do not know how happy it makes me to see them smile, and spar, and hear Crow's music and just enjoy a bit of delightful "noise". Not too much, just the right quantity.The hawks are breeding again, two new chicks have born and that is a wonderful new.
Wes has to solve that keys issue with Rin, I think they are at it at this precise moment while I write, and I am trying to not let show that I am looking up at them from time to time. I just do not understand... well, it still seems like a silly whim to me, a matter of stubbornness or... alright, I prefer just think is a matter of being... wayward, at least I can cope thinking that's a queen's prerrogative.
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