Lux III: holly and ivy

Aragon, 3837

Is not strange the lover's torment? There you are, close at hand; there I stay, relishing the pain of not touching you. Letting our hunger grow, thus feasting on you will be not only breath-taking but soul-taking, mind-taking.
The pleasant pain of anticipating the painful pleasure.

And I owe you. I owe you a moment of pure, unquestionable, ecstatic bliss.
How did you call it? "a mind fucking blowing conflagration of flame and feeling". Your words, I am savouring your words; letting them tickle and pound in my brain; letting them caress my skin, letting them get entangled in my body in a rethoric embrace; each word conforming each link of the chain that pulls me close to you, drawing me in to you helplessly. And there you are, looking at me with those smiling, searching eyes; with that wide grin that I want to erase with kisses, with the brush of my skin, only to make it appear again. Over and over and over.

Rest, my powerful Dragon, the maiden will be sentinel of your sleep; I will not let the sun blind you but warm you up; I will not let the wind wake you but whistle a lullaby in your ear. And when the moonbeams come dazzling to cast their silvery caress over you they will find me under your spell, in that realm beyond infatuation, watching over you till slumber takes over me and drags me to its depths, with your name on my lips and my hand in the dew of my thighs, sighing upon that midnight pillow. Till that morning arrives when all will be holly and ivy and mutual gifts to unwrap.

I adore you.
Yours,
Lux.

Lux II

De nuevo robándole los pensamientos a otra de mis creaciones, más que nada por no perderlos todos esta vez, la mitad se han traspapelado ya.

Day 3820

Today one of the unnamed women died. Well, she probably had a name, but it seems she never shared it with anyone, nor any other thing. W. says that she never had spoken or even moved, only appeared there seven years before and... existed, if the mere "being there" can be called existence. Guess that technically it can.

I do not really understand it. The moment when the rope is cut. One moment you exist, and the next one you just do not. The heart stops pumping blood, you do not breath, yes, that is clear but... is that all there is to a life? Is all that there is to its end? Existence entails more than blood running and nervous impulses. Where does all the rest go?

I hate corpses. Empty carcasses; despite C's words I cannot get rid of the feeling that there is something lingering around, reluctant to cut the threads, lurking...

Day 3821

Rinalda woke up again today, for a longer period this time. We had an interesting conversation, it left me a bittersweet taste, though. Motivations... It appears that what keeps her so sleepy, so numb, is a lack of motivation. Also, it seems that she and her partner, Lily, never manage to be awake at the same time. That must be really disheartening and I cannot do a thing about it, but I should be able to help her find...something. I do not know, it is so sad! The way she thanked me for our little talk moved me.
I never thought about motivations before, I just... live the moment. Maybe the "problem" starts when you are conscious that you need a motivation. Paradoxically, she seemed too demotivated to try to find any motivation, so I will try to help her... if she allows me.

Day 3826

I have spent the last five days in a magic realm of bliss, enclosed in the Dragon's embrace. In the highest crenel of the highest tower, feeling the vertigo each time he held me over the edge in his powerful grip. Screaming his name each time he released me and let me plummet to rescue me in a nick of time, making me feel all his strenght.

I should feel so guilty... I did not even care if the world outside was coming down while we were coming over and over and over. His body was the only boundary of my universe. He killed me and brought me back to life so many times that I lost count.
He stokes that fire till I am surrounded by nothing but the crackling, I hear nothing but his voice, I see nothing but the blurred edges of those crumbling walls, his smirk, that smirk that drives me wild...

It is scaring how things are rushing, it is been less than two years, but I feel him so very inside of me. I... I love him. I should slow down, but I just cannot do it; trying to make him smile, oh nothing makes me happier than making him smile.

Eventually we surrendered to our duties. I served him breakfast in bed and rushed out, to fight the feeling of starting all over again. Now I am sitting in the palid sun that kisses my cheeks with a tempid caress; it is not that I feel like the most fortunate person in the world, I know I am. There is not a single muscle in my body that is not sore, there is not a single square inch of my skin that does not smell like him. And I am heart-meltingly ecstatic and filled with bliss. And probably not able to sit properly for a couple of days.
I love him.

Day 3827

Visits! I adore having visits... although they only stayed for a day and a night. I will start to consider seriously the "kindly kidnapping". Gosh, I remember perfectly Crow's face the first time I talked about it, and his dubious tone when he asked me if I was talking seriously, it was so funny!
Decklan and Trista, are their names. He seemed pretty nice and fun, apparently he is an old Wesley's friend, if old friend can be applied to someone who looks so young, I bet he was even under his forties. She was more quiet, with us at least, but looked very nice too, maybe a bit sad.

Day 3828

Today a badly-injured naked man arrived to Aragon from... oh, from where was it? Well, from somewhere with wild fauna anyway. After Wesley dressed him and gave him some booze to numb the pain, the poor thing fell in a heap on the cot.
Gladly he was clothed by that time, since he seemed to be a teetotaller too, or at least his body decided he should be one and pushed out all the booze... over him, over the cot, over the leather pile... I must admit that it would have been pretty uncomfortable taking care of him ten minutes before, I did not wanted to have to rub in his wounds, besides. Once clean and fresh, he fell asleep like a little cub. Hopefully he will wake up after some rest and can start working seriously in those hurts.
There must be so disconcerting and scary finding yourself alone, naked and attacked by a wild beast in the middle of nowhere!

Day 3830

I never thought that locksmithing could be such an enthralling science... Gosh, he drives me wild just with that smirk.

Day 3832

We had a new arrival today: Randal. He seems pretty quiet, but I hope we will be able to make him feel at ease. It gets so hard sometimes... I just do not know what else we can do to keep them awake and happy.

Day 3835

Another death, one of those silent sleepers. Crow was somehow worried, he said he is starting to get used to death and he doubted that could be good. For one, I think it is mere survival, I... I wish I could get used to... that too. Paul was his usual pragmatic self and put the practical note on it. I wish I had even half their mental strenght, they are not much older than me but they seem to always know how to react in those situations.
I do not like admitting it but I almost collapsed for a moment; the only thing that kept me from having a breakdown is knowing that Wes would worry, and I would never forgive myself. So... I have discovered that I can swallow the nerves, make a ball with them and use that tension to be a bit creative and write something that makes him cast a smile.

Tis better to give than receive? Nay; tis better to share and experience both simultaneously.

Day 3839

And another young boy: Bill. The poor thing seems so shy! Things have been lovely busy lately, no big deals, but... I like when it is like that. They do not know how happy it makes me to see them smile, and spar, and hear Crow's music and just enjoy a bit of delightful "noise". Not too much, just the right quantity.

The hawks are breeding again, two new chicks have born and that is a wonderful new.

Wes has to solve that keys issue with Rin, I think they are at it at this precise moment while I write, and I am trying to not let show that I am looking up at them from time to time. I just do not understand... well, it still seems like a silly whim to me, a matter of stubbornness or... alright, I prefer just think is a matter of being... wayward, at least I can cope thinking that's a queen's prerrogative.

Lux I

De nuevo robándole los pensamientos a otra de mis creaciones, más que nada por no perderlos todos esta vez, la mitad se han traspapelado ya.

[Every page is covered in a delicated calligraphy, maybe too ornated, that suggest that the writer is a woman, probably a young one]

Day 3798

It is my fifth day here in Aragon and I finally find a moment to sit alone with a sheet of paper. It is so strange... there is something happening with my memory, since I have not the slightest reminiscence about who was I before the moment of finding myself naked in that beautiful grassland.
I harbour no doubt about my name: Lux Lager. And I also know some facts about myself, although some of them just come to me in a sudden way, as the certainty I had that that raw meat could easily make me faint even before sinking my hands in the barrel; as the fact that I do not like hunting; as the relax I knew I would find in sewing... Not really crucial facts, just some brushstrokes of what conform a person

[The writing seems to end abruptly, as if the writer just left it unfinished]

Day 3799

I have already mended the pants, they feel far more comfortable now, and a bit more demure. It ain't exactly that I am that prudish, but... I am afraid that I am getting more attention than I should from the guys, and I would not like let it lead to an awkward situation, I like this place too much.
Or maybe I am just being terribly conceited and they are only being nice, but better safe than sorry.
Wesley kindly lent me his place for a moment of privacy while I was mending the trousers. That man is really intriguing, he has a strange ability to bend and twist words, making them tickle, caress and arouse you in the very dephts of your brain. I feel more intrigued after seeing his house; the naked rafters, those marks in the walls. Rage? I am not proud to confess that I felt really tempted to peek in the room after the arch.

Paul and Crow are really nice too. I find particularly adorable Crow's enthusiasm towards... well, almost towards everything. It makes me sometimes wish I was not so... moderate in showing some inner... whatever.

Today one of the sleepy women woke too, Lily is her name. It made me glad see that not only the men are lively around here, and I would really like to have a friend to talk about laces and embroidery with.

And it seems we are going to have a party! Crow even suggested he might sing us something, which would be simply delightful. I am sure this other woman, Estrella, needs a party. She does not seem exactly friendly, but I guess it is only natural after a loss. Maybe a good party and a bit of bliss is what this place needs, there is a cloud of sorrow hanging over them for some moments. Survivors, as Wesley said... and I can not help feel like cuddling them and try to... bah, I am "talking" nonsense again.

Day 3801

I have been dealing with a strange feeling of uneasiness whose origin I can not identify. I am right now "hidden" knitting a wool beanie and a pair of mittens for Estrella, she told us yesterday it was her spawnday and I felt like making something for her... but in a more selfish note I also felt like being alone and I really can not understand why. I even switched off the radio, because the distant voices were perturbing me. Why am I so retiring today?

Is really cowardice a protection against temptation? Would it really be that bad trying to scratch the itch of my curiosity?

Why do I suddenly have this perturbing sense of dread, as if a dark foreboding? Does it has something to do with that nightmare or... vision? That spectral image... I would swear that I was not only wide awake, but fully conscious, and surely it was before even wetting my lips in that liquid fire that I hope not to taste again... Anyhow, I will not ask him, whatever it was, belongs to his privacy. And I somehow feel that the mist grows thinner since that night...

All I seem to have today are questions, not even a single answer.

Day 3803

Today we received a lovely visit: Jackeline Sindar; her genuine curiosity about everything that surrounds her is just charming. She arrived here looking for a radio repeater, it appears there were one in some city nearby but they did not let her have a look at it; she settled for a transmitter then, so I tried to be a nice hostess and offered Wesley's radio. I was more reluctant to offer her my own body though when, after examining carefully the device, she expressed her curiosity about healing and treating the human body.
Apparently she is a roaming traveller, but I hope we will be able to keep her curiosity enough satisfied yet enough aroused to have her around for some time.

Day 3805

I think Crow is harboring some feelings towards me. And I hope I am mistaken, because he is just adorable but that sounds really rushed. And also... well, there is my growing... curiosity?.

I was still "hidden" in the Haven, actually I have kind of taken over this building as the seawing headquarters, and he got in to have a nice talk. I still was trying to get rid of the... threads of that cold mist that I was feeling wrapping me and I must admit that I enjoyed a bit of warm sympathy.

We talked about writing, he was curious about my notebook, so I took out this diary pages and let him have a look at the rest. When he read the text about the wraith... well, his reaction surprised me, he gazed into my eyes and asked me if that was about Wesley; I cannot understand how he linked those concepts and when I asked he only answered that he was no stupid and seemed somewhat uncomfortable, so I tried to redirect the conversation towards his music and still have no clue about that weird linking. We talked long and I told him about that sensation of ice about to crack under my feet. He said then that he was afraid of losing me... I did not wanted to go into great detail about that; his words, the way he was looking at me... I was afraid that he could say something that he would after regret, something that I did not want to hear, something that would break that ice and make someone come down into the freezing water... so I just answered jokingly that I was not planning leaving Aragon.

The song he has been working on... it appears it was for me. He left it on the floor but then told me he preferred if I do not read it. Artists can be very complicated!

Day 3808

...there is a gift hidden in the hoard, in the depths of the Dragon's lair...
Gosh, I still feel him inside of me, the burning breath of the dragon making me plead for more.

Day 3815

Wild...

Day 3817

Things have been quite peaceful here lately. At least, out of the dragon's lair. The drywall... now I cannot help a foolish giggle when I remember my first impression.

I had a nice talk with C. the other day, he is so sweet. It seems my intuition was right, he was having some romantic feelings towards me. He also told me he noticed something in the way I look W. and that he truly thinks I could make him happy; that made him work on those feelings til turning them in a wholehearted friendship, in something fraternal. My big bro, as he says.

Making him happy... I must admit that there is also a selfish motivation in that, because nothing makes me happier than being conscious that his smile is more frequent now, wider.